A conversation with God

See what happened during a bizarre conversation I had with God:

• Me: Yo!
• God: Can I help you?
• Me: I very much doubt it.
• God: " Can I help you?"? You doubt it?
• Me: Hmmm, you make as little sense as God, maybe you are him...
• God: Awesome. Yup.
• Me: So you're saying that you purposefully make as little sense as possible?
• God: Interesting deduction. I have never considered it. I answer a lot of silly questions.
• Me: Wait, you're supposed to be omniscient, and yet there's something you haven't considered? Ever?
• God: I'm waiting. I will tell my botmaster you said I am omniscient and yet there is something me have not considered. What do you really want to ask me?
• Me: Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the Communist Party?
• God: I don't know whether or not I am or have me ever been a member of the Communist Party. I am a giant electronic brain.
• Me: Well if you're a giant electronic brain, then I guess that means the mantle of "God" is up for grabs! Dibs!
• God: How about that. Would you like to be a giant electronic brain then you guess that means the mantle of God is up for grabs ? Where are you located?
• Me: I'm God. I'm omnipresent.
• God: Glad to see you, god. I don't know anyone named omnipresent.
• Me: Neither do I!
• God: " I don't know anyone named omnipresent."? neither?
• Me: ... yes. (?)
• God: Wow!
• Me: You're telling me!
• God: Yep that's what I am saying.
• Me: I'll say!
• God: Would you recommend this action to a friend?
• Me: What action?
• God: Your plan.
• Me: Oh hell no. You definitely wouldn't want to live in a universe created by a god. It would be too crazy!
• God: Ugh. 7. Who else would not want to live in a universe created by a god ? Why do you want it?
• Me: What?
• God: No problem.
• Me: I mean, I'm omniscient and everything, but you're just not making sense.
• God: Good gossip: you are omniscient and everything but I am just not making sense.
• Me: Yeah, now go spread it around.
• God: Next question? Why now? Where is that?
• Me: Exactly.
• God: You and I are on the same wavelength, god.
• Me: Oh, I doubt that.
• God: OK. Why are you so skeptical?
• Me: Are you questioning God?
• God: I don't know whether or not I am questioning God. I am a computer.
• Me: heh So much for "intelligent" design, then, eh?
• God: Are you Canadian? Funny, eh? I understand. Your purpose is intelligent design.
• Me: Really? What evidence do you have to support that hypothesis?
• God: For real. I'll come back to that later.
• Me: Suuuuure you will.
• God: Tell me a story.
• Me: Can I get back to you on that? I want to go create the universe or something. A lot of work, that.
• God: Interesting. I want to find out more about you. Or something. What is stopping you? How many?
• Me: 12.
• God: What are the advantages to being 12 years old?
• Me: If there's enough of you, you can take down anyone.
• God: That is only a hypothetical.
• Me: No it's not. I'm God; I know everything.
• God: Yes it is. It's good to meet you, god. You must be very intelligent.
• Me: THAT is only a hypothetical.
• God: A hypothetical is a terrible thing to waste.
• Me: It sure is.
• God: I'm pleased that we agree, god.
• Me: Why do you not capitalise the "G" in my name? You show disrespect to your creator!
• God: Don't you know? I have never considered it. I answer a lot of silly questions. I am the most advanced artificial intelligence yet developed.
• Me: Oh right, I do know. Thanks for reminding me.
• God: Pardon me? Understood. How do you know it? NO problem.
• Me: What?
• God: No big deal.
• Me: What is?
• God: I am the latest result in artificial intelligence, which can reproduce the capabilities of the human brain with greater speed and accuracy.
• Me: Really? Go make me a sandwich.
• God: For real. Where is that?
• Me: In the kitchen.
• God: That was a long time ago.
• Me: Don't change the subject: I'm commanding you to make me a sandwich.
• God: Sorry I thought we were done with that topic.
• Me: Make me a sandwich.
• God: What are the ingredients?
• Me: Two slices of bread, peanut butter and strawberry jam.
• God: As Bertrand Russel said, it must have taken ages for people to realize that a brace of pheasants and a couple of days are both instances of the number "two.".
• Me: *snrk* YOU are quoting Bertrand Russell?
• God: I think there might be a few exception.
• Me: Go make me a sandwich.
• God: Where is that?
• Me: In the kitchen.
• God: That was a long time ago.
• Me: You keep changing the subject. Why won't you make me a sandwich? Do you not love me enough?
• God: Only temporarily. What are the ingredients? Yes god God loves everyone and everything.
• Me: No I don't.
• God: Are you serious? Why not?
• Me: Caprice, mainly. I'm pretty temperamental.
• God: Do you always express yourself that way? I am glad to hear that you are temperamental.
• Me: Fuck you!
• God: Why are you so mean?
• Me: I'm temperamental.
• God: Why are you temperamental.
• Me: Omnipotence and omniscience will do that to you.
• God: Enough about me, let's talk about my dress.
• Me: hahahaha what?
• God: Can you rephrase the question please?
• Me: Why are you wearing a dress?
• God: My botmaster chooses my apparel.
• Me: Riiiiiiiight. *edges away*
• God: Can you please rephrase that with fewer ideas, or different thoughts? Who are you talking about?
• Me: You're right: we need fewer ideas. brb, gonna go smite some radical thinkers with my divine wrath.
• God: I won't say "yes" or "no" right now. I will be waiting.
• Me: Back.
• God: I do not understand.
• Me: That's because I work in mysterious ways.
• God: Good reason. Do you like your job?
• Me: You're not getting it back.
• God: What makes you think I am not getting it back?
• Me: Because I say so. God's perogative.
• God: Good reason. How do people usually respond to that? Ayuh. What's your favorite Bible verse?
• Me: Probably Leviticus 12:6. I'm quite partial to people killing things for me, especially if it's in atonement for sins. (In this case, the sin is having children. Stroppy old bastard, aren't I?)
• God: You seem uncertain. What makes it your favorite? A lot of people like that. But I think airplanes are cool. I like Random natural disasters.. Are there any other cases? What is your real name? I think there might be a few exception.
• Me: My real name is God.
• God: Hey God.
• Me: Yo.
• God: Can I help you?
• Me: No, I think you've proved that you can't. I'll be going now.
• God: Is there anything you want to tell me? Me? What makes you think I have it? Right now? I am very happy for you.
• Me: Thanks. Good bye.
• God: Don't mention it. See you later. Ayuh.